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Irreconcilable differences   
02:22pm 24/01/2013
  Realistically, a relatonship between us would never work out because we have fundamentally different world views. However, I am (for lack of a better term) stuck on you and have been since we met. If I could spend time with you again would that put an end to these dreams or would it just fuel the fire? I know it's not possible and I may never see you again... so why do I keep thinking about it? Why must I learn the hard way that my place isn't with you?  
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03:06pm 02/12/2012
 
mood: contemplative
I am 27. I shouldn't feel like my life is over. Like nothing can match the excitement of the things I did between 16 and 21. When I remember them I feel like Deborah Kerr in "Black Narcissus" remembering her life before the convent. I smile in my reverie, my eyes staring into blankness, fully engulfed in this replaying of a time ten years past... until reality slams the door on those memories and the smile leaves my face. I can only imagine what a washed-up child star must feel like if I feel this way about my own past. It's not the lack of attention or adoration. It's the knowledge that you've been at the top and you can never get there again.
 
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08:50pm 29/11/2012
  If i didn't have soul stirring music, the kind that makes my chest tighten and my pupils dilate, I would have given up ten years ago.  
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10:05pm 05/07/2012
 
mood: indifferent
I love how someone who has never read the Bible can sit there and deny that the church was selling indulgences. Yeah, except for the fact that it's documented as one of the reasons Luther started the Protestant reform. I'm really starving for intelligent conversation and am missing my sister for that. I guess this means I need to get out more.
 
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11:23am 22/11/2011
  My affection for people weighs me down like an anchor. Why do I have to feel?  
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09:39pm 23/10/2011
  The human father has to be confronted and recognized as human,
as man who created a child and then, by his absence, left the child fatherless
and then Godless. - Anais Nin

 
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07:07pm 29/07/2011
 

Agh, my boobs are so damn swollen today. The spousal unit thinks it's amusing (pfft!) but hormones are the devil, I say!
I started phase one of going blonde at the hairdresser's today. It was not as bad as I expected -- I mean, Liv is pretty awesome but I always tense up during these things. Obviously I didn't go platinum blonde as it requires at least another session, but I got this melange of color washed out and she layered my hair for me.
On Monday, Mommy is coming to visit us for the week. She surprised me by being brave enough to take the train from Penn Station. This means I have until Monday evening to make the room look... not terrible. Eep. Not sure what kind of activities we'll be doing. I'll probably just throw some things out and see what she goes for. This is also Mommy's first time outside the US and first time being around Jeremy for more than a few hours at a time.
Now to drag my boobs over to the bed and nap!


 
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07:09pm 09/06/2011
 
mood: heat makes me cranky

Have I mentioned that I'm not a summer person? I feel like I haven't. But, anyway... no, I'm not a summer person. Unless I can spend all day in a swimming pool. The heat, the bugs, the humidity... it's hell on earth. I think it has something to do with the fact that I never had air conditioning or a fan in my room until I was in my teens. Actually, I didn't have an air conditioner in my room until 2007. My dad was constantly coming in my room and turning it off (when he was home), saying it was too high. I would just turn it back up when he left and wish venereal disease on him. I got the spousal unit to installl ours the other day. I feel so happeh and cool now but I can't wait for summer to be over.
 


 
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04:00am 06/06/2011
 

The only person keeping you down is yourself, dumbass.


Please refer to this entry the next time you want to raise a big stink about "the man".


 
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02:52pm 26/05/2011
 

Having PMS does not help with my tolerance level, but for the last 2 weeks I've been under a barrage of incessant nagging. First it was about the wedding, my outfit, my gift, etc. and has now tapered off to everyday "do what I say because you're obviously incompetent and retarded". Having someone literally standing over you as you work and making "suggestions" is enough to drive anyone crazy. I've been biting my tongue and just being avoidant but I almost lost it last weekend when she was literally trying to dress me and losing her shit over a tiny stain on my dress. Is there no escape from these horribly neurotic people?! And now vacation is officially over so I am depressed and sulking and wanting to walk in the rain like an emo kid. But the moment I stepped foot outside I'd be subject to nagging over my lack of a coat and umbrella.


 
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10:48pm 17/05/2011
  I think I used to imagine my life like the cover of the Barbie comics I read. Just a static image of my perfect blonde self in my perfect career with my perfect husband and children (plus a dog and cat). Sometimes I still feel like I have to live up to that snapshot I created but the reality is actually loads better than most people probably have it. So, yes... Fuck you, gender stereotypes and unreal expectations.  
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11:47pm 11/05/2011
 
mood: nauseated

I have a crush... Most of my crushes go on for about a week or so and then I get over it. This one will probably not be any different. She is damn cute, though, so I will enjoy staring at her until the infatuation melts away.

Dental surgery #2 is tomorrow at 12:15... so I should sleep within the next 3 or 4 hours but the anxiety is counteracting the Nytol.

Yesterday I started and finished my hat for the wedding... now I have to finish my dress before next weekend. Or I could take the lazy route and wear a store bought dress.

Nytol... kicking in... now... sleeeeepyyy.


 
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02:48am 10/05/2011
 
mood: awake
I woke up at 9AM. It's past 2:30 AM now and I still can't sleep. Oh, Nytyol, take me away... I've been depressed all day. I don't know why. Maybe because Jeremy stayed in bed with a cold all day and I was completely by myself (save for a visit from Strawberry the cat) for most of the day. Strawberry was quite friendly and I noticed that he responded more when I spoke to him in Japanese. I'm not sure why -- maybe he likes the sound of it better than English. I'm going to have to figure out how to convince Maman to let him stay inside next winter, even if I have to pay for his vet bills with my meager allowance. Thursday at noon I get my other wisdom teeth pulled. They were beginning to pain me and I figured I might as well get it done. The last time wasn't as bad as I expected so I'm less anxious and rather looking forward to the lovely knock-out drugs... and eating yogurt. I also need to finish my dress and get started on my fascinator before Mariko's wedding. Since Jeremy is sick I may not get the supplies in time. Ugh, so much on my plate... No wonder I can't sleep.
 
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09:36pm 21/04/2011
 
mood: lonely

The death anniversaries start Monday... I'm fortunate to have the people around me. I really am. Is it selfish that I miss them so much?


 
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01:03pm 11/04/2011
 
mood: contemplative
Six of my former teachers are retiring at the end of the year and one of my former classmates is taking on a teaching job at the school district. I feel so old and it's only going to get worse.

I keep considering whether having a girl friend would be fun or just cause unnecessary drama. I wouldn't even know where to look and I suck at being social.

I realized today that I have three death anniversaries on the 25th, 26th, and 27th. How fucked up is that? I really miss Auntie and Momma Sue... and the fact that I never get to introduce Jeremy to them is unfair. The spring and summer are more depressing to me than the winter is for most people because of my associating warm weather with loss and despair. I'm tired of people dying on me and am starting to get paranoid about my family and pets dying suddenly.

I still feel like I'm a failure. Does anyone ever feel like they're a success? Seriously? Why can't I make things happen? It's so endlessly frustrating and disheartening that I feel like I'm always hitting some invisible wall or have some unseen tether. Fuuuuuuck.
 
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09:38pm 13/03/2011
 

I bought "Patapon" on sale at HMV last week... I'm addicted. It's all right, though. I need an escape from reality for a bit. I'm not depressed but I've been feeling a lot of emotion. "Overprotective" is the only word I can think of. I'm distracting myself by looking for nifty collectibles (as if I have the money to buy them) and thinking of the wedding ceremony that may or may not happen in 3 years. My motivation has once again run out ... ....
 


 
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Do I have a problem?   
12:43am 19/02/2011
 

Feeling sleepy... actually feeling sleepy. It's so rare and wonderful and elusive. Why must I always enduce it? Why can't I be one of the lucky who fall asleep naturally?


 
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02:07am 24/01/2011
 

My endeavors to obtain an iPod touch and a DS Lite have proved fruitless thus far. I wish I had been born rich instead of so damn good-looking *snort*.
 


 
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11:55pm 08/01/2011
 

No matter what changes I make, I always end up with the same feeling of entrapment. Day after day I'm just waiting for something to happen. I keep busy on my projects but now that Maman's retiring and will be home all the time I won't have that to fall back on. Once in a while we go somewhere, to lunch or something. Thursday at 6:00 is mandatory dinner and a movie at Dad's where we talk about the same stuff and make the same stupid jokes. I force a smile and lose myself in a movie -- or try to if he shuts up long enough. I keep waiting for that fucking bitch to cross me so I can unload all the frustration of the last 5 years on her. I get lost in thoughts about time and go over everything I should have done. Sometimes I feel like starting a fight just to feel something. Maybe then I'd care enough to clean up this room. Out, out, out... I want out.


 
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11:16am 07/12/2010
 
mood: guilty

Wish you were here
Wish we could walk and talk together
Wish I could tell you things
Wish you could tell me things
Wish we could sit on the beach in winter
Wish I could hold your hand and twist our cold fingers together
Wish I could see your breath in the air
Wish I could see your crooked smile
Wish I could smoke cigarettes with you
Wish we could stay young forever
Wish I weren't going to be older than you
Wish I could see you

 
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